Thursday, August 31, 2006

Whinging poms

Somebody just send me an email (Cinders for those of you that know him) and mentioned he'd had a look at this site and commented "don't you winge a lot?" and then proceeded to ask if he could have a spot here!

Anyway, I had a brief recap of posts and he's right, the majority of them are whinges, so just to try to redress the balance here are a few current things that make me happy:

- The Deli On The Green - yummy pate's and cheeses
- Socialising with friends old and new - the party last month was excellent (at least it was for me)
- My new DVD player -finally my photo DVD's paly without skipping.
- Shelley talking at a very loud volume coz she's playing with the new toy (mp3 player) at the same time

OK there's always the thought of how lucky I am to live where I do, in the style I do, and with the freedoms I enjoy, but this post is about little specifics that lift life. So please add in the comments things that currently make you smile and add to you happiness.

PS Carry on posting whinges though as that's part and parcel of what pub talk is all about!

F.L.A.B. (Fat Louts Against Bikinis)

I heard on the news yesterday that the NHS are going to stop giving IVF treatment to obese people but still give to existing parents and smoking parent wannabes. I understand that given there aren't infinite funds then some hard choices have to be made but it's a bit worrying the trend towards the anti fat mentality that this society seems to be heading.

This idea that fat people have done it to themselves because of their lifestyle and so shouldn't expect the same NHS care as thin people is perverse. By following the same logic people who:

  • play sports a lot shouldn't receive care for broken limbs, groin strains etc
  • break the speed limit should pay for their A&E treatment (even if bad driving didn't cause it - but they are statistically more likely to end up in A&E if they are a bad driver)
  • People who use aspartamene to avoid sugar should get no cancer treatment
  • People who have prominent political careers shouldn't be treated for gunshot wounds... see where I'm going here? We all make lifestyle choices and almost all of them have an effect somewhere on our likely hood of having some medical problem. And to be honest overeating is probably one of the hardest lifestyle issues to avoid. It's a lot easier to say no to heroin in the first place as you a) know it's bad for you and b) you don't need to have any to survive. With food, you've got to eat to live, so finding a balance between what you need and what you want can be a tricky business.

Anyway, the point is, I find it disturbing in a society where we on one hand are desperately trying to break a view of traditional beauty that pushes people into anorexia, and at the same time waiting in the wings to punish you for taking a step too far in the other direction. You've got to be just right; not too thin and not too fat. Where does this end up? Once we start discriminating our rights based on physical characteristics then we might as well go the whole hog and say you need to be a blond blue eyed Aryan to get the vote.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The S&M guide to insect bite treatment

The other week we were out shopping with a view to picking up the bits and pieces you need for a holiday, and I came across a little device called a "ZapBite" or something like that. Anyway the idea is that when those darn little mossie critters feed off you blood, instead of scrathing of using tubes of soothing cream, you just place this little device over the bite, press the button about ten times and the itching is relieved.

So having bought one I've now been almost looking forward to my first bite, just to see if it works, and ....tada!...this morning I had a nice little bite on my knee that was starting to itch. Out comes the ZapBite and I merrily plug away at the button for a minute. And the result is impressive - my knee no longer itched. No, instead it feels like i little bruise as if somebody had jabbed me with a pencil! I'm still trying to decide which is worse, the itching or the soreness?

For the next part of the experiment I just have to wait for the soreness to wear off and see if the itching comes back!

Having now used it in anger, I think a more suitable name for the device might be the "MiniMe Cattle Prod". A must have for every masochist's weekend bag!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

NHS Prescription prices

There are 3 conditions that allow you to get NHS prescriptions free of charge. Epilepsy, Diabetes and something else which I can't remember.

I've been diagnosed as a borderline diabetic which means I have diabetes but as yet don't require medication for it. I can therefore have free eye tests but not free medicine. However, the diabetes has been caused by other long term conditions that I have and is being controlled by increasing my medication for these. So I now have to take 7 different medications every day ( to be increased next month to include HRT medication - the joys of being an old woman) to ensure my diabetes doesn't increase to a level requiring medication which would then result in no prescription charges at all.

I think I'll have to get another job to pay for it all. Even with the NHS "loyalty" card, where you pay up front and save money it's a fortune for an impoverished student :)


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Conspiracy continued!

OK - I'm finally convinced! The contents of this site once and for all prove that I have been naive all along in blindly accepting NASA outrageous lie that they landed on the Moon. How could I have missed all this evidence?...

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Why is it?

1. ... that no 0ne can ever give you a delivery time for dropping off goods at your house, but you're always last on the list anyway. Do the delivery men only carry one item (yours) and park up in a lay-by somewhere for the rest of the day eating pies, fish and chips, smoking, drinking tea and comparing the merits of various t**s in the red-tops, then at 4.50 pm they decide to deliver to you. By which time you can't phone the shop to say the goods are wrong or damaged. And when you finally contact them the person dealing with your order has just gone on a six-month trip to Siberia and no-one else knows anything about it!

2. The shops in Guisborough ran out of cabbages on Saturday. Cabbages! Do we now have a national cabbage day or have we had a sudden influx of eastern european migrants who haven't realised we sell other food.

3 And speaking of supermarkets why is it despite the fact that you go in for one item you always end up spending a minimum of £25, often more.

4. Why on Saturday night when large opposing gangs of youths from Guisborough and Middlesbrough decided to have a gang fight in the fields next to us did all of Cleveland's finest turn up on masse to deal with it but when anyone gets burgaled or their car broken into they're nowhere to be seen. Why didn't they just let the little darlings batter seven bells out of each other.

5. Why do the council give old people bus passes to let them travel from the estates to shop and then take away the buses because they're not making any money?

6. Why does the phone ALWAYS ring when you're on the loo.

7. Why do the cows in the field next to me always cr*p on the path and never in the rest of the field

8. Why, why, why.

Guess I'm particularly sour today


Sunday, August 20, 2006

Weekend Weather !!

Ok guys, here we go, Its the weekend again and guess what, the weather is pap!!

Why is it that during the week, lets face it when most of us work, the weather is reasonable fine, you know, its sunny and fairly warm, yet somehow, after 5pm Friday evening till Monday at 9am the weather becomes a monsoon season.

Is there a God up there that decides with his fellow cherubs, that dowsing us with rain, wind, thunder storms and tornados is a good sport for the weekend!!

Lets face it how many people went out on saturday with jeans and a t shirt and came back looking like a drowned rat.... or a contestant from a wet t shirt contest?

is it just me who feels that weekends are ruined by the dreadful state of the weather, there are only so many times you can go to the cinema without the ushers thinking you actually work there !!

Roll on winter at least then we can expect bad weather..... not august... come on the god of weather give us some sun!! So then we can all moan at how hot we are!!!


Saucy bits n pieces

It's your ol' mate George here from Kent and those London ICI days.
I thought I'd better start a heading on the sort of ol' b*llocks that we used to discuss in the pub - you, me , Kim and Caroline - you know, sex, men, relationships and all that shyte.

After spending a lazy Sunday morning hair removing, plucking (yes I did spell that right!), and getting paranoid enough to feel the need to give my hair a colour rinse to hide all but a dozen greys or so (and I'm not 40 yet for a couple of years) ... I wanted to ask you opinion on something that's come up in discussions in my house (my poor long suffering partner......)!
Having read an rticle in a girly magazine recently about how you men like their women to be hairless and particularly neat and trim down below, I wanted to look at the other side of the coin - male hairs. I brought the topic up whilst lazing in bed this am with the other half, asking him if he's ever give his own chuff a 'short back and sides' trim - only to be completely rebuffed with 'don't be so ridiculous' shot back. Maybe my timing wasn't good, Sunday am in bed, it's a shocker when your his age and not up with the modern world views in girly mags. I did comment that I supposed an ambush in his sleep with his beard trimmers wouldn't be a good idea, as would only end end tears (not to say only half the job done), the poor fella - the fear was palpatable and he then got up and decided to finish some kitchen tiling.
So it's left me hanging - should a man trim or not? What's your view?
I should also point out that I'd heard that a trimmed male chuff is rather a thrill for a woman. Is it therefore a thrill the other way round for the man - in the sensation front I mean (we'll leave the visuals to personal preference here) .....

As I was self waxing my legs with those awful sticky strips, trying not to let the cat dab them and trying not to get more wax left on my legs than on the strip itself ...... my man came up to the bathroom to see what on earth I was up to. At that point I offered to give him a ripping time, expecting the same curt rebuff. Instead, this said wax virgin, offered up the top of his arm/shoulder area - as he's just as vain really and has a few stragglers growing there that didn't used to be there .....
With glee I stuck one on him so quick, before he could change his mind, that he nearly jumped away from me. Ohh how he yelped - after I'd promised it really wasn't that painful. Having done one arm, of course the other needed doing! Also with all homecare kits - you always miss a few of the b*ggers. So once I'd started, he said I may as well do the rest, and the eyebrow tweasers came out.

Why can't all Sunday mornings be this much fun .....

Kid's Toys

So, for those of you with daughter's (or son's who are secure in their own sexuality) did they want a Malibu Barbie, a Ballerina Barbie, or now...and I kid you not...they can have the Shitting Dog Barbie! Yes, I've just watched an advert on Sunday morning TV for the ultimate Barbie accessory pack. The plastic barbie dog that you feed and them it shits to amuse the little tikes! You even get a little plastic pooper scooper for the barbie doll to pick up the shit with.

Gone is the age of innocence....

Saturday, August 19, 2006


Hi Dave and Shelley,

Just to say hello, I'm here and quite looking forward to your rants. I miss the deep and meaningful conversations at work on life, the universe, women and conspiracy theories!


Friday, August 18, 2006

Why the Virtual White Swan?

Wht is ths blog called what it is? Well, The White Swan is my local pub, which although I don't get to anywhere near as often as I'd like, I have a strange loyalty to. And the best thing about going down the local for a few jars with a mate is to be able to talk absolute bollocks, set the world to rights and then have no idea when you get home and your wife asks you what you talked about. Time spent with your friends is what life is all about for me. Hence my blog quote.
So if you want to make The Virtual White Swan your local, come in and enjoy the company!

PS For the real White Swan see the link on the right. They brew their own beer under the label of Captain Cook's Brewery and it's spot on!


For anyone who is interested, photos of the 40th party are loaded on my main website, or click here to go straight to the photos page without frames

Thursday, August 17, 2006


A bit out of date now, as my last holiday was back in June, but for people who have never been before - make sure you visit Santorini at least once before you die! It's possibly one of the most stunning places on Earth. All the usual Greek hospitality with magnificent scenery, great food (local grown food tastes wonderful as the island is quite windy so things like tomatoes grow quite small but because of that, more flavoursome), and allegedly the best sunsets in the world.

Quiz Nights

I have a feeling that this blog page might just end up as a place for me to rant. Went out to the pub last night for a (all to rare) evening catching up with an old mate. It's the only pub within a sensible walking distance and when we arrived it was a little busier than you'd expect for a Wednesday night but the footie was on so fair enough - we found a table at the opposite end of the pub to the TV so we could chat easily. But straight after the footie ends they start with the pub quiz - which I don't mind in principle but why do they have to be so loud? It was just impossible to talk at all - we might as well have been in a night club. I say pubs should have to section off an area for those activities that can't be ignored if you're there, and leave another section of the pub for people who just want to come down their local for a pint in peace.

Totally impractical, I know. But it just pissed me off that the one night set aside going out and sinking a few jars with a mate gets trashed by 400db of quiz master voice.

Rant over :-)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Over the hill

I hit 40 last week with a bit of a bash in the back garden. The enevitable question is always asked of "Do you feel older then?" to which I answer "actually no I don't" with that quizical expression on my face to try and convey that I somehow ought to for some reason. Strange really, as to date nobody I know that has passed through a 40th birthday has ever suddenly felt older. However I have to admit that as this first week of 40 something progresses there are the glimerings of "signs of the times". For instance, this morning I think is the first time in my life where I've walked down the stairs holding onto the railing and actually think about it at the time - "best hold on 'coz I don't want to trip and kill myself now". No worries though - if I did trip it'd probably only be a hip that needs replacing!

As to having a mid life crisis, this picture of me at the party certainly shows that I should be having one.


Are they a consequence of original sin? I'm sorry but in my view 4 limbs is plenty for any lifeform - I mean snakes get away with none. So I go out for a pleasant walk in the countryside today and after a few hours of having the flies dive bomb my ear I was starting to feel like winter couldn't come soon enough, but then the final track back to the carpark seemed to be a mass breeding ground for some flying ant like creature and they are swarming all over me. The end result is as I try to swat frantically about my head to keep them out of my ears and eyes, my wedding ring goes flying off into the heather never to be found again. Bugger!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Kick off

So this is my first ever blog. Lets go straight in at the deep end - the government can't win here can it? I'm not supporting any particular viewpoint but they got so much grief for going into Iraq and now are getting the grief for not getting involved enough in the Isreal/Lebanon thing. I say Tony - fuck off on holiday and stuff the lot of them. perhaps after two week in the sun you might have thought of somethng constructive to say.